mckayfan

He wonders

2008-04-30T14:01:37Z

All the characters are property of Kudos and BBC, so don’t sue

Harry watched the boat sail away taking Ruth and a small part of himself in to the distance.

For a moment he wonders what sort of Life Ruth will now have .

He images her in Rome working in a library surround by Thousands of books lost in her own little world.

He wonders how she will spend the nights will she work till she drops only going home when she can’t stay awake any longer crying herself to sleep morning for there lost love.

Or will she move on and find herself a new man and maybe even a family.

He loves her and wants her to be happy but if he is honest with himself another part of him breaks at the thought of her with another man even though they never shared more than a kiss he knows she was the love of his life his soul mate and without her he is nothing more than a shell and even though he does not want her to be unhappy he hopes he meant the same to her as she does to him.

He turns away from the docks to drive back to the grid and for a brief moment he thinks about getting Malcolm to keep a eye on her but the thought leaves his head as quickly as it entered he knows if he or any of his team try to find her Oliver Mace will find out and use there work to get to her.

Harry knows he would stop at nothing to keep her safe even if its means they can never be together he will not let her sacrifice be in vain

He will spend each day doing what is right for the country no matter what the cost is to himself or to his team and maybe one day if he is lucky he will get to meet her in a cafe in Rome and sit with her as the world just goes idly by each of them lost in there love for each other.

mckayfan @ 2006-03-27T18:55:00

2006-03-27T17:55:11Z

I do not own stargate Atlantis.
Spoilers for inferno

Answer man

Rodney stormed in to his quarters throwing his jacket on to the floor, he slumped on to the edge of the bed brushing his hands though his thinning hair letting out a sigh.
He could see his reflection in the mirror he was the first to admit he had lost a bit of fat and gained a bit of muscle since stepping thought the stargate from Earth to Atlantis in what seemed like a life time ago.
When all he could think about was finding a ZPM so he could go home and win a noble prize.
He laughed at how naive he was no matter what he says all he thinks about these days is how to keep anybody alive for one more hour.
He could see the receding hair line, the bags under his eyes and how he all ways needed a shave these days but what could he excepted when you face death on a daily bases.
Like today when they all escaped death by mere seconds when the volcano erupted.
Thanks yet again to another plan from Doctor Rodney McKay.

From the moment things started to go wrong they all looked to him for answers.
All the time John making fun of him just because someone took an interest in him for once it was if John though he could not have feelings for anybody ells but him self.

He knew he was not very good when it came to people but it did not mean he never got lonely that he never wished he had someone to come home to at night.

Rodney laid back on the bed and closed his eyes and tried to get rid of those thoughts.
Maybe it was for the best that he was alone after all he worked insane hours trying to find the answers that would keep everybody alive for another day.

They all thought when he said he did not have the answer that he said he could not do it that he was just being a drama queen.
But he really did mean it.
He’s not sure how he keeps pulling rabbits out of a hat time after time.
Has he lays alone in the dark he tries to ignore the voice in the back of his head asking him what will happen when he runners out of rabbits.
Will he get lucky and someone ells will come up with the hale Mary or will six people or six billion people pay for his failure?

THE END.

mckayfan @ 2006-01-10T17:39:00

2006-01-10T17:39:45Z

I do not own stargate.
Thanks to Rocketlover for checking this over.
Spoilers for the hive and lost boys.
Darkness

Rodney McKay sat alone in his quarters. The room was darkened, illuminated only by an open laptop resting on his desk and the moonlight that filtered through the window. Rodney stared out absently not really seeing. He could hear waves breaking against Atlantis, and found its regularity soothing. He sighed and cast a glance over to his laptop. He’d come here to try and finish his reports after finding the normally calming noise and chaos of the lab too much for him. Now that he was here, he found he still could not concentrate.

The constant interruptions from his staff had not helped. He’d spent most of the day telling people he was fine and that, ‘No he did not need anything.’

In the end he’d lost his temper and thrown anyone not needed out of the lab. Then he’d spent the rest of the time shouting at those remaining, telling them to shut up and get on with their work. Yet this did little to help him focus. Instead of people badgering him, he could feel sets of concerned eyes studying him.

After an hour or so, he’d had enough and told Zelenka he was going to work in his quarters and did not want to be disturbed. He recalled the look of concern in his friend’s eyes. It had merely forced him to flee the lab faster then he’d intended, for he feared if Zelenka tried to reach out to him, he might finally break.

He knew people were beginning to worry about him, and he could feel their eyes on his back as he left. A mixture of concern and probably fear too, wondering if he was going to turn into another Ford.

Rodney sighed again and switched off the laptop, knowing he wasn’t going to get any more work done tonight. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but it was no good. His palms were sweaty and he could feel his heartbeat pounding. The room seemed to be closing in around him, and he felt like he was going to suffocate.

He got up and grabbed his jacket before striding out of the room walking wherever his feet took him. He didn’t know where he was going, just that he needed to move; to lose the stifling bonds he felt dragging him down. He kept his head low to avoid eye contact with anyone that he might pass by. He was afraid that if someone looked into his eyes they would see the darkness there. That they would see that part of him that scared him more than the Genii and the Wraith ever could. That part of him that wanted the enzyme more than anything - no matter what it would cost him in the long run.

His feet stopped and he realised he was stood on the balcony where Ford had fallen during the attack on Atlantis. He stepped forward and gripped the railing, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was times like this that he wished he was not alone and that he had someone to talk to. Someone who would not judge him.
He could not talk to Carson, Elizabeth or John because while they would listen, he knew they would also judge him. They’d assess him, deem him unfit for duty. Then they’d give him understanding looks and send him on his merry way for extra sessions with Kate! She’d then spend an hour taking him apart on the pretext of making him whole again. But he knew, knew they could not fix him, because they had no way to understand what it was like to be on the enzyme.

He knew Telya and Ronon had been through withdrawal too, but they had no idea what it felt like to be weak and helpless in the field. He was always the one that needed to be watched over and rescued all the time. That rush of the enzyme had been the only time in his life where he had not felt weak and afraid. For once in his life, he hadn’t been a big disappointment. He’d rescued himself and he was going to help save the others too. Of course, it didn’t quite turn out that way. By the time, he was coherent enough to tell Elizabeth what was going on, John had already taken care of everything and once again, he was reduced to a spare part.

As he looked out into the night sky, he began to wonder if the darkness inside him would ever go away. Or would it grow until it enveloped him, eating away at his mind until it turned him into a soulless monster that would do anything to get the enzyme?

Rodney McKay looked down into the dark waves that crashed against the city

Part of him wondered if it was already too late for him. Maybe he should just stop fighting and let the darkness in? After all, wasn’t that what people were waiting for?

Finis

mckayfan @ 2006-01-02T18:38:00

2006-01-02T18:45:15Z

Good Bye Atlantis
I do not own stargate atlantis
Thanks to Rocketlover for all her hard work

Chapter Seven

Rodney sat in his chair and looked around his room, watching as his friends quickly put clothes back in drawers and hung diplomas back on walls. He couldn’t quite contain his glee when he told Sheppard, that the frame he’d just hung was not straight. Nor could he stifle his snicker when he heard Sheppard muttering under his breath.

Ronon pushed the last of the boxes through the open door and turned to face him. Rodney’s sense of preservation, whipped the self-satisfied smile from his face, and he stood and nodded his thanks. Ronon returned the nod but did not move. For a second, Rodney was unsure if the big man was going to hit him or hug him. He tried not to flinch when a large hand flew up and patted him heavily on the shoulder, causing him to stumble back, and nearly fall into his chair. Ronon nodded again, then turned and left, but not before Rodney caught sight of several chocolate bars protruding from the runners pockets. Still cautious of the hairy giant he decided to let it go.

Teyla walked over to him and took his hands in hers. She touched her forehead to his and he gave her hands a slight squeeze. Then, without a word she followed Ronan from the room.

Zelenka pushed his glasses up, and with an evil smirk said, “I must go now Rodney, and tell Kavanagh good news. He will surely weep tears of joy knowing that you are stopping, no? I will see you in the morning.”

“Aye, and I’ll be off too Rodney, though I’ll be seein ye soon enough for chess, so I can finally beat ya,” Carson said. He paused in the doorway waiting for a response, hoping they were still friends.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at 1900hrs, and I think you’ll find that I’m wining,” Rodney said and smiled.

Elizabeth could see that John and Rodney had unfinished business and decided it was time for her to leave too. She embraced Rodney much to his dismay and John’s amusement.

“Remember our agreement Rodney? We’ll help each other. Never be afraid to come and talk to me,” she whispered into his ear.

He brushed his cheek against hers and nodded his head just the once.

John cleared his throat noisily wearing a broad smile. Elizabeth turned and gave him a patented arched eyebrow, which soon removed the smile. She glanced once more back at Rodney before closing the door behind her.

The two men eyed each other until John broke the silence. “Alone at last,” he said with a smirk, and pulled a bottle out from behind his back.

“Please Colonel, I hate to think where you’ve been hiding that, and I think we could both use something stronger a little stronger?” scoffed Rodney.

“What? I wouldn’t let Radek hear you say that,” John said. Zelenka’s still, had quite the reputation throughout Atlantis for its strength.

“Oh c’mon, what would he do about it? If he tried anything I’d just find the smallest lab on Atlantis and make him share it with Kavanagh.”

John laughed. “You know, you’re an evil man McKay. I’m glad you’re on our side.”

Rodney reached into a cupboard and pulled out two glasses and a bottle of vodka. Before he closed the door, John noticed a nearly empty bottle of scotch and wondered how much chess he and Carson really played.

Rodney filled their glasses and they sat down. John raised his glass and Rodney followed suit.

“What are we drinking to?”

“Home,” John said.

Rodney smiled. “Home,” he echoed and they downed their glasses in one.

“Whoa,” John gasped banging his chest with his fist.

Rodney grinned and filled them again, while Sheppard watched his deliberate movements. He handed the glass back to him. John took it and leant back into his chair.

“Have you talked to Heightmeyer about how you feel?” he asked.

Rodney snorted and stared at Sheppard. “Oh please, I’m surprised you even know what the women looks like! I bet you haven’t spoken to her since we got here.”

John smirked. “I said hello once or twice.”

“No doubt while you were checking her out,” Rodney said. He sighed and knocked his drink back, then shook the glass at Sheppard to follow suit.

Rodney filled them again. “She tried to get me to talk to her after the virus, but it didn’t help, so I stopped going.”

“I know what you mean. I find going to the gym or shooting things, helps me to get things out of my system,” John said reaching for the bottle.

“You know I did go to the shooting range after the storm, and it did make me feel kind of better. But, I figured we’d be better off saving the bullets for when the wraith attacked

“Well now that we’re back in contact with earth, feel free to shoot anytime you want. Just make sure you don’t confuse paper targets with Kavanagh. ”

“You’re no fun,” Rodney pouted and John laughed.

They settled into a comfortable silence that was only broken by their glasses being refilled.

John looked over at Rodney who was by now, almost lying in his chair with his eyes closed. “Why did you walk out on me earlier?” he asked.

Rodney opened his eyes and studied his friends face. He’d been kind of hoping the man would be too drunk to get serious. Ah, well. “You offered me your trust and friendship,” he said simply. “If I’d stayed longer you would have talked me into staying.”

“And that would have been a bad thing, because…?” John said puzzled.

“I couldn’t face losing either again,” Rodney whispered.

And suddenly John understood.

“You know no matter what I said or did, you never really lost either Rodney. I know it’s hard to lose friends, but it shouldn’t make you stop living and you should never try to push people away. One thing being out here has made me realise, is how important friendship is.”

Rodney filled their glasses and raised his. “Well then here’s to friends. Living and dead,” he said.

“I’ll drink to that,” John said sadly and raised his own glass.

And they drank. They drank knowing that there were hard times ahead, but that they would face them together.

The next morning….

John woke up to the sound of Rodney’s dulcet tones shouting his name. That, and a glass of water tipping over his head.

He opened his eyes to see Rodney, already dressed with a steaming cup of coffee in hand.

“What the…oh, is that for me,” he coughed.

“Get your own,” Rodney growled.

John shook his head, immediately regretting it as his brain protested in the loudest possible terms. He forced his eyes open again, and watched amazed as Rodney went around the room cleaning up.

He realized Rodney was one of those annoying people who could drink a unit of marines under the table and not suffer from a hangover. Okay, mental note. Never get into a pissing competition with this guy. He sat there in a daze until something wafted under his nose. His guy handed him a hot cup of coffee. John took it appreciatively and sipped gingerly. Another movement in front of him and a couple of Tylenol appeared under his nose. Okay, mental note number two. Rodney was one of the best friends he’d ever had. Must look after him better.

He swallowed the pills and decided they should do this again sometime. Though next time, he’d bring the whole team. He wanted to know if Rodney could drink Ronon under the table.

888888888888888

Meanwhile in the main lab, Dr Kavanagh was getting over his disappointment of Rodney staying by writing a report to Colonel Caldwell regarding senior staff taking unscheduled days off. Dr Kusanagi was crying tears of joy now that her beloved was stopping in Atlantis. But best of all, the Daedalus was leaving orbit, and heading back to earth with an extra empty cabin.

THE END.

mckayfan @ 2006-01-01T00:13:00

2006-01-01T00:14:44Z

Goodbye Atlantis

Chapter Six

Rodney walked towards the lab as fast as he could without actually running. Part of him wanted to turn back and talk to Sheppard but the logical part within him kept his feet moving forward. When Sheppard said he’d trusted him, Rodney hadn’t realised how much he’d needed to hear that. Yet ironically, it had only made him more determined to leave. Sheppard trusted him, and Rodney could not face losing that trust again. Worse still, he couldn’t be responsible for failing him and adding to the list of friends already lost.

He arrived at the lab to see Radek talking with Carson and Elizabeth. As soon as they heard him enter, the conversation stopped. Rodney shrugged; it was something that he’d got used to lately.

“Sorry to interrupt, I’ll come back later,” he said.

“No Rodney wait, we were waiting for you,” Elizabeth replied.

They all stood there in silence, all unsure of what to say. When no-one spoke for what seemed like an eternity, Rodney checked his watch and rolled his eyes. “Well as engrossing as this is, it’s been nice talking to you …”

“Hloupy cubic syn,” Zelenka shouted, and started waving his arms around. “You are stupid man sometimes! For a genius how can you think of going back to earth and leaving me with Dr Kavanagh? I barely mange to keep him out of trouble while you go off-world! Last time you went through gate he nearly set his hair on fire! If I had to look after him full-time he may mysteriously disappear through gate to wraith central, and lead them back here.”

Rodney rolled his eyes at Zelenka’s performance. “I’m sure you’ll cope just fine without me, and Atlantis will survive,” he said.

Zelenka nearly fell off his stool hearing those words coming from McKay. It made him think more about Colonel Sheppard’s pod people idea. Rodney being nice, paying compliments left him at a loss of what to say next. He turned towards Carson and Elizabeth for support.

Carson was the next one to speak. “Forget about Atlantis for a moment, what about yer friends Rodney? We’d all miss ya! And who else is gonna help Radek with his supplies, without Caldwell finding out? And I know it was you who went to the marines’ rec room at midnight to fix their entertainment system. Who the hell is gonna play chess with me at one in the morning? And dinna forget I’m actually winnin at the mo!”

Rodney rolled his eyes. He couldn’t understand how he could go from no-one talking to him, to everyone telling him how much he’d be missed and needed. He was that busy thinking, he didn’t see Elizabeth gesture to Carson and Radek to leave them alone.

She watched them leave before turning towards him. “Rodney, I know we’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all been hard on you of late. I for one, would like to apologise for my recent behaviour,” she said.

“Apology accepted, but I’m not going to change my mind. Radek can do just as good a job as me, so you don’t need to worry about the safety of Atlantis.”

“Rodney I don’t want you to stay because I think we would lose Atlantis, I want you to stay because I would miss you. We would all miss you. I know you don’t think you have friends here, but you’re wrong. I know we’ve let you down and you have every right to be angry with us, but please don’t let that anger drive you away from everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“Why do you think I’m doing this? To punish you all? Don’t you get it Elizabeth? I’m tired of seeing people die, especially when I’ve had a hand in it. I can’t do it anymore. Yes, I know I messed up big time and I lost all your trust, but I, I…” he stammered.

Elizabeth took a step towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder uncertainly. When he didn’t reject the contact she moved the hand to his face and cupped his cheek.

He felt himself leaning into her touch and closed his eyes. “I don’t trust myself anymore,” he admitted softly.

Elizabeth swallowed at the ramifications of those words. How had he sunk to this? How had they let him?

She lifted her other hand and held his face. “Look at me,” she said and his eyes flicked open to meet hers. “Listen to me very carefully Rodney. I trust you. I trust you with my life. There is no-one here who loves their job as much as you do. You live and breathe Atlantis! Can you seriously tell me that you would be happy back on earth? Look around you; this is what you’ve wanted to do your whole life! Each day brings fresh new challenges. Do you really want to go back to earth and work with theories, when you could be out here living it? Don’t throw that away because you, we, made a mistake.”

“Elizabeth what happens the next time I make a mistake? Seems people die when I fudge it, and I can’t be responsible for that again. It’s best I go now before that happens.”

Elizabeth shook her head. She released his face and took his hand instead, pulling him towards the sofa in the corner of the lab where coffee making facilities were set up. They sat down together.

“You know, you once said that we all thought you were Superman. We may have scoffed at the time, but you were right. We expect you to save the day time and time again, and you never disappoint. So when you did make a mistake Rodney, I don’t know, maybe we all got a little scared. We realised that you were fallible, just like the rest of us, and maybe, just maybe we even resented you for that. We woke up to the fact that there may come a time when you can’t save us.”

The truth of her words hit home and she sighed sadly. She could feel Rodney’s eyes watching her, and she reached across and squeezed his hand before continuing. “And that Rodney, is our problem, not yours.”

He squeezed her hand back, but didn’t look convinced.

“We’re all out here of our own free will,” she continued. “It’s our choice and we are not your responsibility. You have to stop carrying that burden around with you, because people are going to die out here, and there’s no getting away from that fact. Rodney we are stronger with you, and have a better chance with you than without you. Together we can do it, so please let us help you.”

She looked into his eyes and saw the pain there, which she had failed to notice all this time. It was raw and on the verge of exploding, and it reminded her of her own demons. The ones that grew in strength with every letter she penned to the families of the fallen. “You know, you’re not the only one affected by all this,” she whispered and looked at their clasped hands.

Rodney’s expression softened and his grip on her hand tightened.

“Maybe that’s something we could help each other with,” he said quietly.

She smiled slightly and looked back up to his face. His eyes were a little brighter, and he appeared less tense. “Yes, I think I’d like that,” she said softly.

“Rodney I can’t say there will be no more mistakes, but I can tell you that we will learn from our mistakes and we’ll help each other through the hard times. That’s what friends… no, that’s what family is for. So what do you say, can we help you get back on your feet, and face those challenges together?”

“Well I’d hate for Radek to bring back the wraith, just after we’ve finished tidying up from their last visit. Sooo, I suppose I should go and unpack.”

Elizabeth’s smile grew wide. “If you don’t mind I would like to help you?”

Rodney smiled back and shrugged. “Sure.”

He stood and pulled her up before they headed for the door. They all but walked into Carson, Radek and his team, who were waiting outside the lab.

“Teyla, gentlemen, I was just about to go and help Rodney unpack,” Elizabeth announced happily.

There was a loud collective sigh of relief before everyone broke into smiles.

“Perhaps we could also help?” Teyla said.

Rodney nodded at her and returned her smile. He looked at the others. Carson had an arm thrown over Radek’s shoulder and even Ronan wore a small grin. His eyes moved to Sheppard who stood with his back leant against the corridor wall.

John smirked and stepped forward. “I think that’s a great idea,” he said. “Then afterwards we can watch some of the DVD’s the Daedalus just shipped in and eat Rodney’s chocolate stash.”

Rodney grinned back and the two exchanged a look. “Sorry Colonel, but Ronon finished that off ages ago.”

“Yeah I did, but I ordered more. The Daedalus just brought it. It’s sat in the cargo bay,” Ronan said.

Rodney looked at Ronnon puzzled. “What? How the hell did you manage to order chocolate when you don’t have any money?”

Ronan shrugged. “I used your name.”

“You did what? How much did you buy? God, what else have you ordered? I’m not made of money!” Rodney spluttered.

Everyone laughed and they made their way down the corridor towards Rodney room. Rodney and John, by unspoken agreement fell to the back of the group. John raised his hand to his mouth and mimed drinking from a bottle, and Rodney nodded. They would talk later. They had a lot to talk about.

As the small group moved noisily through Atlantis, they all knew things were still not right, but they also knew that in time, everything would be okay.

tbc
Hloupy cubic syn- means stupid son a bitch well that’s what the translator site says anyway.

mckayfan @ 2005-12-30T12:54:00

2005-12-30T12:55:23Z

Goodbye Atlantis

I do not own stargate Atlantis.
A big thank you to Rocklover for looking this over for me.
Spoilers for season 1 and season two up Trinity.

Chapter Five

Rodney decided after his discharge physical his next port of call should be his quarters to collect his laptop. Then he could go over with Radek, which of his experiments he wanted to keep running. He stepped into his room, his eyes immediately focusing on the table where his computer sat.

“Well it’s about time Rodney, where have you been?” said John lazily.

Rodney spun around quickly at the sound of the voice and was stunned to find John Sheppard lying casually back on the bed, his arms folded behind his head.

“Here’s a better question for you colonel. What the hell are you doing here, never mind on my bed?” Rodney spluttered.

“Well since you weren’t answering your radio, and you seem all hell-bent on leaving Atlantis, I figured you’d be dropping by soon to collect your gear,” John said smugly.

Rodney unconsciously put his hand to his ear and realized he’d forgotten to put his earpiece in. Great now he looked like a total incompetent. “Sorry, I must have…”

“Forget about it,” John interrupted, waving a hand in the air. “What I really want to know Rodney is what you think you’re playing at?”

Rodney straightened his back and jutted his chin out in typical McKay fashion. “I assume you’re referring to my resignation? Even someone with your limited intelligence can surely work out what that means,” he snapped.

John bit back his retort and took a deep breath before sitting up.

“What I want to know is why? When Elizabeth showed it to me I came up with two options. Option one was you’d been taken over by some weird alien device. Option two, and this is the one, that scares me the most. You’ve been cloned so you could spy on us, but something went wrong when they made you. At this moment I really hope it’s option one because I don’t think I can cope with two of you. So how about we go and visit Carson so we can find out what’s wrong with you, then we can gate to whoever is responsible and kick their ass?”

Rodney stared at John like the man had sprouted two heads. There so was not enough hair-gel in the Pegasus galaxy for that! “Have you been drinking that stuff, Radek passes off as booze again?” he spluttered.

John shrugged and eyed his friend. “I might well ask you the same question,” he said.

Rodney turned and picked up his laptop. “If you must know I’ve just had a physical, and apart from the usual complaints I’m fine. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a few things to sort out before I leave.”

“Rodney just wait one damned minute will you! C’mon you owe me that after everything we’ve been through.”

Rodney pressed the laptop into his chest, his arms folded over it. He sighed and gave Sheppard his best bored expression.

“Look,” John began. “When I said you’d have to earn back my trust after Doranda I was pretty pissed at you. But, what I didn’t tell you afterwards, when I’d calmed down was that you’d never really lost it. When the shit hits the fan Rodney, you’re the one I want watching my six and you’re the guy I’m gonna turn to, to get us out of it. I guess I never said ‘thanks’ for all those rabbits you seem to pull out of your hat, so thank you. Bottom line Rodney is I’m sorry. Okay?”

Rodney shook his head and smiled ruefully. “Oh okay, I’ll just forget the fact that I nearly got you killed, or that I’ve managed to get plenty of others killed instead?”

John gave Rodney a puzzled frown. “What do you mean? You’ve not killed anyone!”

“Oh really? Try telling that to Doctors Gaul, Abrams, Dumais, Wagner, Johnson, Hays and Peterson. Then there was Peter, and lets not forget Doctors Monroe, Lindstrom and Collins. Not to mention all those who died when the wraith attacked, because I lost us the one and only ZPM we’ve ever found, with my big mouth!”

John sat stunned and stared up at the man that he thought he knew. Rodney had been carrying all this guilt around with him, and he’d never once suspected? He stood up, immediately uncomfortable. “Rodney, you’re not responsible for all those deaths! No-one could have known about that stupid ancient virus, and I know you did all you could to save Peter. As for what happened on the Daedalus that was the computer virus, and if you hadn’t been there, there wouldn’t even be a Daedalus now! And the only person to blame for losing the ZPM was Alina!”

John took a tentative step towards McKay. He could see Rodney processing everything he’d said and thought he was getting through to the man.

“Look, I know we can’t make everything right overnight. But how about we give it a try? There’s no way I can face training up another geek. Zelenka’s scared to death when he goes off world, Doctor Kusanagi cries too much, and as for Kavanagh?! He’d do nothing but bitch all the time, and unlike you when I bitch back, he’d write it all down in his little black book.”

Rodney lifted his eyes to meet Johns. They were dark in the dimly lit room, but his expression and the smirk he wore was undeniable. The old affable John, his friend, the one he thought lost to him, was standing there asking him to stay. It made his mind up, and his fingers tightened around his laptop.

“Goodbye Colonel, if you’ll excuse me I have to talk to Doctor Zelenka before I leave. Then he turned and left the room leaving a stunned colonel Sheppard alone.

“Well, shit,” John said to the closing door.

TBC

mckayfan @ 2005-12-10T22:16:00

2005-12-10T22:17:02Z

Goodbye Atlantis

Chapter Four

John stomped through the busy corridors of Atlantis heading for Rodney’s lab. All those in his path took one look at his scowl and made a hole. Moses would have been proud he snickered to himself. He arrived outside the lab all prepared to burst through and give the man in question a good slap but Elizabeth’s voice echoed in his head.

‘Go gently with him John.’

John wonederd what she meant! He was Mr Diplomacy and Prince Charming all rolled up into one delectable package. He didn’t need telling how to handle the troublesome scientist. They had an understanding, a partnership, a dynamic that worked. Or so he’d thought.

When Elizabeth had shown him the resignation he’d felt gob smacked. Just what the hell did McKay think he was playing at?! They were supposed to be friends! Well friends don’t just bail on each other when things get tough, and reading that short note had felt like a slap in the face. Apparently, he wasn’t even worth telling in person, never mind discussing any problems Rodney might be having.

He pushed through the doors and stared about. The lab was alive with activity and scientists were bent over various computers and experiments. McKay however, was not there. One of Rodney’s lab rats stopped what they were doing and looked up at him. Sheppard seemed to think she was called Miko but he couldn’t be sure.

“Hello Colonel Sheppard. Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, where’s your illustrious leader?” he asked.

“He is not here,” she said and offered a smile that he thought lacked sincerity.

“I can see that,” he said and tapped his radio. “McKay, this is Sheppard. What’s your location?” He was met with silence. Not unexpected but worth a try. He turned back to the small Japanese woman.

“Well do you have any idea where he might be?”

She stared at him intensely and Sheppard actually felt a little uncomfortable.

“You have not visited the lab for a few months,” she said.

Was that an accusation he thought? He raised an eyebrow at her. “So….” he started but she cut him off.

“Doctor McKay is a brilliant and observant man. I admire him very much,” she said folding her arms across her chest. “He is very good boss, but he has not been happy of late. If I was blessed to be counted as his friend I would know where he’d be.” Her computer bleeped several times at her and she returned her attention to it.

Okay, that sounded like a dig. She just had a dig at me, right?

John felt himself approaching flashpoint. He stared at the woman’s back preparing to ball her out when her words hit home. He hadn’t a clue how Rodney spent his spare time or if indeed he actually got any spare time! The man just never seemed to stop. Rodney was not in his lab and John genuinely did not know where to look next, other than carry out a process of elimination.

Miko finished her adjustments at the keyboard and returned her scrutiny to him.

Okay. He got it. He was a crap friend!

“Right, well thanks for your help,” he muttered and left feeling chastised.

He stood in the middle of the corridor and ran a hand through his hair. Okay, so he’d neglected Rodney of late, he could admit that. But what else had he taken for granted? His feet started propelling him away from the lab as he mulled things over in his mind.

Time after time, they expected McKay to pull a rabbit out of the hat and save the day. That was a lot of pressure, and sometimes not everyone made it back. Rodney was a civilian and had no training in dealing with life and death situations. He wasn’t used to losing people. Now if he, Rodney’s supposed friend hadn’t considered all of this then no one else would have.

Except maybe, that small Japanese woman who’d made him feel about six inches tall! The man obviously had a fan there.

Yes, Rodney had cocked up royally, but he’d apologised. Most people learned from their mistakes and moved on with a little help from their friends. He should know he’d made enough of them in his time. John had no doubt that Rodney had learnt from his mistake but his friends had failed him. They’d obviously left him alone to go over and over his mistakes and that could only have lead to self-doubt.

It was time to help Rodney get his confidence back. All he had to do was get Rodney to listen to him. Oh yeah that and find him! Now how hard could that be?

His feet stopped moving and he smiled as he found himself stood outside Rodney’s quarters. John raised his hand and used his ATA gene to open the door. He entered the room and looked around cursing as he saw boxes already filled with Rodney’s belongings. No Rodney though – the man seemed to be more elusive than the scarlet pimpernel when he wanted to be.

He sat down on the cot and decided to wait. This time the mountain would have to come to Mahomet.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Carson entered the infirmary a lot later than usual thanks to a hangover and Laura Cadman. Fortunately, for him, his staff did not have trouble getting to work on time.

Oh, to be young again he mused.

Carson cast an eye around the infirmary. Happy that all seemed to be in order he made his way to his office. Frowning at the large pile of paperwork on the desk, he seated himself and picked up the first folder. It contained the physical reports of those people heading back to earth on the Daedalus.

Just as he was about to pick up his first report a name caught his attention. He picked up the report and began to read. When he finished he shot out of his office and went to find the doctor who’d completed the physical.

“Doctor Woods could you tell me why Doctor McKay has had a discharge physical?” he called out.

A young doctor turned to face him. “I was surprised when he told me he was returning with the Daedalus. His name wasn’t on original the list but he was adamant he was going back to earth. I was going to talk to you about it as soon as I saw you. I hope I haven’t done anything wrong?” he said.

‘No laddie, ye’ve done nothing wrong,” sighed Carson before rushing for the door.

TBC

mckayfan @ 2005-12-04T13:04:00

2005-12-04T13:04:58Z

Goodbye Atlantis

Chapter Three

Elizabeth stared at Rodney’s resignation for what seemed like the thousandth time. Her first reaction had been to call him to her office, but she’d resisted that urge and thought long and hard about her course of action. The man was obviously feeling a little fragile, and no doubt would be pretty angry too. An angry Rodney is never an easy thing to handle and this needed some pretty fancy handling. No, the best thing to do was to find out exactly what had been going on with her number one scientist. Forewarned is forearmed as they say.

“Some leader I am!” she muttered. “I can’t even notice when one of my people is in need of help.” With a sigh, she tapped her earpiece and radioed for Colonel Sheppard and Dr Zelenka to join her in her office.

Five minutes later, they were both seated by her desk looking at her expectantly. Elizabeth swivelled her laptop around to face them and let them read Rodney’s e-mail. She watched carefully as their faces took stock of what she was showing them. Zelenka simply looked confused and John’s mouth tightened into a grimace.

“This is joke, yes?” spluttered Zelenka.

“I’m afraid not,” Elizabeth replied with a sad shake of her head.

John folded him arms across his chest and frowned. “There is no way Rodney would leave Atlantis voluntarily. Maybe you should get Carson to check if he’s under the control of some alien device or something.”

“I agree,” said Zelenka. “Atlantis is Rodney’s life; there is no way he would give it up. Ego would not allow it for start.”

Elizabeth put her hand up to silence the two men.

“Normally I would agree with you, but I’m afraid it’s not that simple. I suspect that this,” she said waving her hand at the laptop, “is a result of our collective treatment of Rodney since Doranda.”

Neither man spoke so she continued. “I don’t know about you two but I’ve not seen him in the mess or at any gatherings. And if I’m to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I haven’t tried to see him.” Elizabeth felt the shame of her words redden her cheeks and fought the urge to look down at her desk. She made herself look from one man to the other. “I’m guessing that I’m not alone in the way I’ve behaved towards Rodney?”

John straightened his posture. “Look sure, I was pissed at him. He abused my trust, blew up a third of a solar system and nearly got me killed in the process,” John started. “So yeah, we’ve not hung out together of late. But, c’mon - this? Rodney’s tougher than that.”

“John you of all people know that is simply not true,” Elizabeth admonished. “I’ve not called you here to play the blame game. I think there’s plenty enough of that for everybody?” She looked at each of them with a raised eyebrow. They in turn had the grace to look sheepish.

“What I want to know is how do we fix this? The Daedalus is due to leave at the end of the week and I can’t order anyone to remain here no matter how much I may want them to. We need to find a way to make him reconsider.”

Suddenly John stood up and made his way towards the door.

Elizabeth rose from her chair and called loudly after him. “Colonel Sheppard where do you think you’re going? We haven’t finished here!”

John stopped and pivoted on his heel. He took stock of her tight expression and fixed her with his custom boyish smile and raised a hand in an attempt to placate her.

“Calm down Elizabeth. I’m just going to sit the man down and get to the bottom of this. Make him see that it’s in his best interest to keep his ass here on Atlantis.”

Elizabeth didn’t look convinced but she relaxed her posture and tipped her head slightly. “Please go gently with him John. The last thing we need is for you to make matters worse.”

John offered her a smile he did not feel and before striding from her office…

mckayfan @ 2005-11-25T22:25:00

2005-11-25T22:26:09Z

I do not own stargate Atlantis.
Thanks to Rocketlover for being my beta.

Goodbye Atlantis

Chapter Two

The evening was progressing well, and the party in the gate room was now in full swing. Elizabeth sat quietly in a corner observing the proceedings. She made a half-hearted effort to hide the smirk taking hold of her face as she watched Kavanagh’s antics. An Athosian woman, had for reasons beyond comprehension, taken a shine to the annoying doctor, and his lame attempts at escape were falling flat. You’d think he would be glad of some friendly attention she mused.

Her eyes were drawn to Carson as she watched him being dragged onto the dance floor by Lt.Cadman. They were accompanied by a chorus of whistles and catcalls from the peanut gallery and Beckett’s head snapped round trying to spot the guilty culprits. Elizabeth could not help but think the next time the hecklers required medical attention the good doctor would make them regret their actions.

Next, she spied Ronon and caught his eye. He gave her a quick nod before returning his attentions to the buffet table and his mission to taste every item. She continued to scan the room, not quite sure of what she was searching for. She gazed back to the dance floor and laughed. John was trying to teach Teyla the Macarena and Zelenka; it appeared was adapting a Czech folk dance to the music. Obviously, his not so secret still, was churning out its potent brew.

Elizabeth was happy everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It wasn’t often that her people had the chance to let their hair down and have some good old-fashioned fun. Still, something was not quite right and then it hit her. Where was Rodney?

She looked round the room one more time to check. He definitely wasn’t there.

“Elizabeth?”

She turned at the sound of her name to see John smiling at her, and returned the gesture warmly.

“I believe this has to be one of our better ideas,” she said waving her hand at the dance floor.

John shrugged and sipped his drink. “Well after the grief I gave Rodney to get the sound system up and running after the wraith attack, I figured it was time we used it. Speaking of which, have you seen him? It’s not like him to miss free food.”

Elizabeth shook her head. “I was just about to ask you the same question. What time did he tell you he’d be here? Only I haven’t seen him today to talk to.”

“I haven’t seen him either,” John said.

Elizabeth looked surprised at that snippet of information and raised an eyebrow at Shepherd. He wasn’t forthcoming with anything more however. “He does know about the party, right? I mean it was all rather last minute,” she asked.

“Oh yeah, sure. Someone would have told him. You know McKay, he’s probably in his lab caught up with some gizmo and lost track of time,” he said. At the sound of a table, crashing to the ground John spun on his heel and raced across to where Ronan stood over a pile of food, a drumstick still in hand.

Elizabeth shook her head and tapped her radio. “Doctor McKay, this is Weir. What’s your status?” She was met with silence and frowned before trying again.

Zelenka watched Elizabeth’s face grow from frustration to worry before making his way over to her.

“Is everything okay Doctor Weir?” he asked.

“I’m trying to reach Rodney. Have you seen him?”

Radek stopped to think about it before shaking his head. “He was working on big project last time I asked. Was told to keep nose out of face for my trouble. So, I leave him. That was yesterday.”

Elizabeth’s frown deepened and Radek tugged on her arm. “Puzzle easy solved even if annoying man won’t answer,” he said and winked. He walked to a console and Elizabeth followed him. He brought up the life signs detector. There was no one in the lab but they could see the bright red dot in Rodney’s room. Elizabeth relaxed and chided herself silently for worrying. Rodney was a big boy – he could look after himself. If he wanted to sleep instead of party, well that was his choice. She thanked Zelenka and told him to go back to the party. He blushed slightly and offered her his arm.

“Would you perhaps like to dance with me?” he asked hesitantly.

What Elizabeth wanted to do was to go and check on Rodney, but she reasoned he was probably sleeping and Radek was peering at her with hope. So she placed her hand on his arm and allowed herself to be whisked away to dance the night away.

The next morning Elizabeth entered her office and with a strong cup of black coffee. She sat down and flipped on the computer to read her messages.

When she got to the message from Rodney, she nearly dropped her cup. She read it twice just to make sure she hadn’t somehow misunderstood. Thoughts began running through her head as to why he would do such a thing. Then she realized that since Doranda he hadn’t come bouncing into her office to show off any of his latest discoveries. That was unusual. Plus she could not recall seeing him in the mess or at any social gatherings.

To her shame, she realized that she hadn’t thought to go see him in the lab or ask him to join her for a meal to see how he was doing. Was she the only one who had been remiss? Had others ignored him since the Doranda debacle? Elizabeth recalled Shepherd’s vagueness yesterday when she’d asked if he had seen Rodney. If the message in front of her was to be believed, it would appear they all had some serious apologizing ahead of them. Rodney granted, had made a big mistake, but he was human and it wasn’t like he was the only one to error. It looked like he was the only one to be punished for his however.

Elizabeth realized that she’d made a huge mistake with her cool complacency towards her chief scientist. She’d taken him, his abilities and his friendship for granted. Now she hoped it was not too late to fix it. Atlantis could not afford to lose Rodney McKay. Hell, neither could she.

Fic

2005-11-15T21:37:20Z

GOOD BYE ATLANTIS

I do not own Atlantis or any of the Characters.
Spoilers for ‘Poisoning the Well’, ‘Sanctuary’ and’ Trinity’.

Rodney walked along the empty corridors of Atlantis not excepting to see anyone since they were all at the party in the gate room. He didn’t know what the party was about, but he certainly knew he wasn’t welcome. Not there, nor any other place on Atlantis for that matter.

The music and laughter followed him around the dark corridors, weighing like a stone around his neck, reminding him of everything he had lost since Doranda.

He entered his lab and powered up his laptop letting the silence of the room wash over him. Then, letting out a deep sigh he began typing. His fingers flew over the keys as his mind absently wandered back to Doranda.

Rodney knew he had no-one to blame but himself for his mistake, and in a way having no-one to blame or shout at, was a torture in itself. He knew he deserved it but sometimes having no-one to talk to was hell on earth or Atlantis. He wished that someone would forgive him. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all was a fool in his book. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was the biggest fool of all. It had never bothered him before that people never made eye contact when he walked down a corridor, or that he was never asked to join in on socials. So why now? He silently cursed himself for letting people get too close.

Once again, people now only approached him because they needed the head of the science department’s permission to carry out their projects or needed something from him. Not to see how he was doing or even to say hello.

So now Rodney kept himself to himself. He only went to the mess when he knew it wouldn’t be too busy, and even then he would take his food back to the lab or his room. He couldn’t bear to listen to people laughing and joking with their friends. It reminded him too much of what he’d lost.

He couldn’t help but let out a snort when he thought about friends. Maybe he hadn’t actually had any to begin with. Because friends would forgive you in time, wouldn’t they? Had not Carson made a mistake on Hoff, and wasn’t it only sheer luck that Chaya hadn’t meant any harm to Atlantis or Shepherd? But they were forgiven because, after all, they were only human and everyone is allowed to make mistakes…right?

Rodney had sometimes wondered what would happen if he made a mistake, or God forbid, not be able to come up with the last minute solution and save the day. He wasn’t a fool and though he knew he had the world’s biggest ego, he also knew he was human, and therefore fallible.

Well the only thing they could do to him now was to take the one true and constant thing he had left in his life……his work. He’d be damned if he’d ever let that happen!

He finished typing and checked the email before clicking send, then shut down his laptop and looked around the darkened lab. As his resignation wound its way to Elizabeth he made his way to the door and bushed his hand along the wall. Rodney whispered a sorrowful goodbye to Atlantis, and then headed to his room so he could pack for the long and lonely ride home.